Hot flashes, a stalling sex drive, and confusing mood swings can feel scary, but you do not need to go through menopause alone. Psychotherapist Lee Pycroft shares a few tactics you can try if you are struggling to start a conversation with your partner about your menopause experience.
Communicating what menopause means for you
It doesn’t follow that explaining menopause to a man is easier than talking to a same-sex partner. After all, up until relatively recently, menopause was discussed in hushed tones and as a taboo subject. Whether you have a husband, wife, or partner, everyone has one thing in common – we are all dealing with a lack of education about menopause.
We are all also countering damaging and out-of-date messaging about menopause signaling the end of youth and fertility, which means we are past it, hysterical, and less valuable. This burden – alongside coping with a myriad of symptoms – can lead to low confidence and feelings of shame.
Parking the stigma, normalizing this natural life transition, and forming your own ideas of what this stage could mean can help you open up. It is important to question what beliefs you have about being menopausal that could be undermining your value and driving your silence.
If you woke up tomorrow morning and some of the negative feelings about this life transition had fallen away – what would be different? What would you say to yourself? What would you feel able to communicate to your partner? How would you feel about this life stage? Your answers may encourage you to talk to your partner about menopause.
How to begin the conversation with your partner
The symptoms of menopause can change the way you relate to your partner. Your emotional bandwidth may be reduced by the symptoms you are coping with daily, and this can leave the other person confused and dejected. Here are some tips on how to begin:
- Your partner may have little knowledge of the realities of menopause, so start gently from a place free of blame or accusations
- Keep the conversation focused on expressing how you feel in a warm, clear way. Start by choosing a time when you are both free from distraction and the energy between you is neutral. Try saying something like, “I’d like to share some things about what is going on for me right now that I think could be helpful for both of us. When would be a good time for you?”
- Use a tone that is calm and curious
Other ways to communicate with your partner
If just the thought of a face-on conversation leaves you wincing or anxious, you could use a sideways approach. This involves using less direct methods of communication, such as writing a letter, chatting via WhatsApp and adding links to useful articles, or maybe simply talking as you walk. This can help cushion you against vulnerability and feel less emotionally loaded.
Find common ground
All partners want affirmation to feel like they matter and are loved. Conveying that the hormonal fluctuations you are experiencing are not a rejection of them can help.
Look for areas of commonality. Maybe your partner is a similar age and could be going through something personal to them with their health or work. Be curious about how they may be feeling too. Be clear on what would be the most helpful outcome for everyone and what needs to happen for you to travel this journey together.
Take your time
It may feel tiring helping your partner to understand what you are experiencing and intense menopausal symptoms may mean that these conversations are highly emotional. Go easy on yourself and know that things will progress over time. You don’t need to pressure yourself to solve this in one go, in one conversation, or within one day.
Space is important and not everyone can listen and respond immediately without having some thinking time. Give yourself and your partner time to absorb and digest what is said.
You may be among the many women still educating themselves about symptoms and treatments, and you may need more guidance to be clear on what your partner can do to help. You could suggest learning together if this is the case.
What to do if you reach a stalemate
A standoff can occur if you reach the same disagreement again and again. Resentment can stack up when both of you feel that if only the other person could see things differently, then all would be ok.
A couple may, reluctantly, agree to disagree. At this point, the focus moves away from the issue itself and makes each person blind to the needs and vulnerabilities of the other. Consider your behavior during discussions.
- Do you shout, shut down, cry, or say nothing?
- Does the communication escalate rapidly?
Sound familiar? You may have reached a stalemate. It is essential to understand that we cannot ultimately change how another person behaves or what they believe, but we can delve into the reasons behind these choices. This can help us move forward.
Solving a standoff
To unblock the conversation, each person needs to shift from their unhelpful position to a place that is more reflective and less reactive. When things escalate, try saying to your partner, “Let’s not do this again. Instead of feeling closer, we will feel further apart and I don’t think that is what we want.” Or, “How can we do this differently so we both feel heard and cared for? Are you willing to try and approach this differently with me?”
Reflect on the parts of your partner’s argument that you can understand. Let them know you have heard them and see them. Showing that you are making an effort to change the narrative can help to reduce resentment and thaw the stalemate.
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