A satisfying sex life means something different to each of us. You may feel like you don’t need much or any penetrative sex, or perhaps you don’t want or have a partner, and enjoy self-pleasure. We understand that the physical and emotional changes brought on by menopause can take its toll on your self-confidence when it comes to intimacy, whatever that looks like for you. Sharing your sex life with a partner can intensify these feelings. Here, sexual and reproductive health expert Zoe Sever focuses on how to boost sexual self-esteem with a partner. She explains what steps you can take to improve how you feel about yourself in the bedroom and increase your sexual satisfaction.
What is sexual self-esteem?
You may find that your appearance changes during menopause, leaving you unable to recognize and accept your body. If this sounds like you, you are far from being alone with these thoughts. One large study of postmenopausal women found that 83% were dissatisfied with their appearance.
How you feel about your body undoubtedly affects your sexual behavior and satisfaction. Sexual self-esteem is how you view yourself sexually and whether you believe you are sexually attractive, capable, and worthy. Having low sexual self-esteem can leave you feeling unsatisfied in the bedroom and with your relationship.
What does low sexual self-esteem look like?
Low sexual self-esteem may present itself in varying ways. You might:
- Avoid certain sexual positions that you believe may be unflattering
- Want to keep the lights off
- Want to keep clothing on
- Not believe you are sexually attractive
- Avoid sex because you don’t feel confident in your body
Unfortunately, focusing on what you look like during sexual moments can leave you feeling like a spectator. It removes you from the moment – from pleasure and connection.
Ready to make a change? Let’s talk about how you can overcome low sexual self-esteem.
Redefining your sexual narrative
Various highly personal factors influence your sexual self-esteem, and these may be psychological, interpersonal, or sociocultural. It is crucial to reflect on how you perceive and define yourself sexually and where this may have originated. Ask yourself:
- What stands in the way of expressing yourself sexually?
- Have you been shamed, judged, or embarrassed in the past? This is something many women have experienced
- Do you feel as though you’re not worthy of being desired or feel guilty for experiencing pleasure?
- Are you holding on to any hurtful comments or encounters?
Reflect on how your experiences have influenced the way you feel about yourself sexually. Accepting your body and your past experiences helps build sexual confidence and self-esteem.
Changing how you view your body
It is impossible to have a truly satisfying sex life if you are insecure about your body or feel that you are undeserving of sexual pleasure.
Sexual pleasure is your right, and your body is perfect and beautiful exactly the way it is.
If you don’t believe this, try the exercise below to help shift negative self-talk.
Shifting negative self-talk
The way we talk to ourselves ultimately influences the way we feel and act. The good news is, you can train yourself to have conscious, positive thoughts. The following exercise is adapted from the renowned sex educator Emily Nagoski:
- Find two minutes to undress and stand naked in front of a mirror.
- Look closely at yourself and notice where your thoughts go. Some of the first thoughts that arise will likely be self-critical. This is natural. Just acknowledge these and set them aside for now.
- Then, verbally acknowledge to yourself (aloud) all of the things that you like about what you see. Don’t forget to include the genitals! These may even be small things like the color of your eyes or the shape of your chin.
- Repeat this daily, reminding yourself of all the things you like about your body.
Over time you will notice that your body is amazing exactly the way it is. This exercise is excellent at promoting self-love, compassion, and gratitude. Self-awareness gives you the opportunity to remove yourself from fixed ideas about your body.
Sexual communication
Open and honest communication is the foundation not only for sexual satisfaction and pleasure but also for sexual self-esteem. In fact, good sexual communication is directly linked with higher sexual self-esteem because expressing our sexual needs and boundaries increases confidence. For example, you may be more likely to voice any sexual concerns, ask a partner to use a condom, or change to a sexual position that’s more pleasurable for you.
As your sexual desires are diverse and constantly shifting throughout your lifetime, conversations about sex are essential. After all, a partner is not a mind-reader. Although this may initially feel difficult, once you start to have these conversations you will likely feel even closer to your partner and more confident about being sexual.
Engage in mindfulness
When you have lower sexual self-esteem and are critical of yourself during sex, you get pulled away from being present in the moment. Rather than engaging with the sensations of sex, self-criticism can quickly move you from pleasure and connection to anxieties and worry.
When this happens, try to acknowledge the negative thoughts, and choose to let them go. Focus instead on engaging with the moment by tuning in to your senses. This can help remove you from what you are thinking to what you are experiencing. Ask yourself, what do I feel? What do I see, touch, hear, smell, and taste? The more you practice this, the easier it will become.
The importance of self-care
Self-care is vital for maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and looking after your well-being. It comes from deliberate acts that foster self-compassion and kindness. This can, in turn, build self-confidence and sexual self-esteem.
Your self-care regimen needs to be suited to you, based on what you associate with relaxation. This could mean going for a walk, reading, taking a bath, putting on a face mask, or even masturbation. Anything that helps you show yourself some love. It doesn’t have to take place every day or for multiple hours – you need just enough time to check in with yourself and serve as a reminder that you are capable and worthy.
Jeanette’s story
“Coming to grips with my changing body as I entered perimenopause was difficult. My sexual self-esteem certainly took a hit and I no longer felt like my confident self during sex. But as I continue to age, I find that I don’t catch myself comparing or worrying about how I might appear nearly as much as when I was younger. I am learning that my body does some amazing things and that I deserve to feel good in my own skin. Over the past few years, I have slowly come to accept myself as I am. This has felt liberating!”
Final word
Having a pleasurable sex life requires that you respect and value yourself. Shifting away from negative self-talk, prioritizing sexual communication, and practising mindfulness and self-care can help you feel your best sexual self.
Find out more about menopause on our blog or in our symptoms library.
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